No prizes for guessing who's who

Too young-looking, too studious and not Ah Beng enough, but you couldn't be an employee of the Orange if you didn't know who this is.

The green dress gives it away, really, but the face looks...too kind. Not that she wasn't kind in real life, but it's hard to make that out through all the shouting and screaming

Would this be what she might have looked like in her younger days? Which, I might add, probably happened sometime before World War II.

Orange Dilbert

On behalf of MN...enjoy!

Project Management

Not much of a project management course there. The trainer spoke more on figures, diagrams and stuff that made me feel like I was back in uni, attending one of those mind-numbingly boring mathematics lectures. I could not for the life of me find anything useful in the stuff that was taught, that might have practical applications for those in publishing.

Anyway on to the fun stuff. The Captain was supposed to lunch with Jam, RB and WM but then VKP hijacked the whole thing when she simply informed us "I'll join you guys for lunch". Needless to say the Captain did not really want to be stuck at the same table as VKP for one hour. There's something about certain elements of management that make the Captain....well, not want to lunch with them =p God forbid that the Captain ever becomes one of those "elements of management".

Fortunately, the saviour was none other than BBBB (Big Boss B*n B*o). He and his...friend, EO, were gonna have lunch together. So he asked me and WM to join them. Rather grateful, although also apprehensive at having to eat lunch with BB and his....friend EO, the Captain and WM ditched RB and Jam, and left them to the devices of VKP and her raunchy jokes. Call us evil, but desperate situations call for desperate measures.

So we had bak kut teh at a nearby coffeeshop. Well, BB, EO and WM did. The Captain doesn't eat pork (neither beef nor mutton for that matter), so he had a bowl of noodles instead.

All that was left of the cute wittle piggie from the book "Charlotte's Web"......barbarians!

The decadent humans feasting on the remains of a dead animal's carcass

BB enjoying his meal...

Savouring every last morsel

He looks half-surprised, half-disappointed to discover that there's no more...

Are they holding hands?

Bennamy and RB Shevchenko, presenting....something. Clearly, what was taught at this course has completely slipped from the Captain's mind!


His seemingly "ouch" reaction might be due to the fact that she was squeezing his....something.

The Tie proposes to the Pontianak

Following on from ttwins' excellent post about pontianaks, here we have IL proposing to JL, at Pizza Hut no less. We planned to give JL flowers for her farewell. It was IL's suggestion to propose to her...the Captain suspects that years of working together and sharing the same telephone line have breeded in him a deep crush for her. And we all know that some jokes are a way of conveying a serious message without the implications or consequences thereof. "I'm only joking!", some people might say, after they have said something spectacularly disgusting/outrageous/insulting or confessed their crush/love for somebody.

As for JL's answer, she said "No, but can I keep the flowers? And you forgot the diamond ring!"

Dirty old uncle

Our resident void deck "ah pek", up to his usual tricks...

Leadership Training - Day 2

Some photos from Day 2 of the course. The trainer was up to his usual antics, monkeying around and switching personas like a chameleon changes colour. Very entertaining stuff indeed.

*Captain Haddock shall try his darndest to avoid sexually-related jokes and/or innuendo in this post and possibly in future posts as well, because he feels that of late there have been too many sexually-related posts, which must have peeved the two goddesses of the Orange blog at some point and in some capacity. The failure to do so is however not to be held against him.

I can't remember exactly what the trainer was doing here but he was in a half-squat and doing an impression of somebody...perhaps a celebrity. You can tell from the side of MV's face that she is smiling at the trainer's crazy moves.

There he goes again...

My future residence, after I win the lottery or get promoted to Managing Editor (yeah right)


The simply indefatigable R Bong. To quote one of AN's seemingly endless put-downs: "That wasn't a compliment."

My lunch.

Oh ho! EK takes centre-stage, lecturing one and all about some management technique, the details of which I have completely forgotten at this juncture. What was the name of the course again?

The trainer stoops to conquer

The trainer said that EK and GK look like brothers! Other than our similar builds (ok ok I'm fatter than he is, I know I know), I don't see how we look alike! EK is obviously the alpha male here =p

BB - The man who never stops smiling

As Captain Haddock (the actual character in the comics) would say, "Look at him, acting the goat again!"


PL is caught digging for hidden treasure. Eeew.

Well that was that. 2 days worth of entertaining stories, innuendo and monkey acts. Did I forget to mention that one of our colleagues from M'sia (the ones actually working IN M'sia) eyeballed IL as he made his way into the room, more than one hour late after lunch? The trainer noticed and made a hell of a joke about it, basically asking them to get a room or something.

Btw, just to clarify, it was a female colleague. Did anyone think otherwise? =D

Leadership training - Day 1

A bunch of us more wrinkly oranges (wrinkly because "older", "older" because supposed to be more senior mah) were carefully handpicked and sent to a Leadership training course, which was as usual conducted where all the training is usually conducted (that isn't saying much but you guys know anyway).

What a bother, I thought to myself halfway through the morning session. I would rather have stayed in the office doing what all good and responsible Editors do (surf internet lah!), especially with the absence of The Great Tied One and a few other prominent figureheads, which would certainly provide the perfect platform for surfing recklessly and with wild abandon (i.e. not having to scan my small mirror every few seconds or look over my shoulder to see who's behind).

As it turned out, the trainer was not half as bad as I thought he would turn out to be, and certainly improved as the day wore on, becoming a lot better than in the beginning when he assaulted my senses with a supremely fake accent (à la a certain Mr Bong we all know and love) and a horrendously mismatched outfit (purple striped shirt) and a red Mickey Mouse tie, not to mention his propensity for acting like a sweet little girl one minute, jumping and prancing around, and then towering over you like the Incredible Hulk the next, all deep voice and hulking.

Eventually, as the session went on, he evolved a style which reminded us of Austin Powers, especially when he kept going "Yeah, baby!". It helped (or didn't, whichever rocks your boat) that he looked like he could actually pass for an asian Austin Powers, what with that trademark toothy, silly grin, and his bay hiao bai-ness.

Anyway, the highlights of the day are as follows. The trainer, a certain Mr Ng, actually did or said the following:

• kneeled down in front of IL and asked IL to abuse him. "Abuse me, IL, abuse me!!". Good god. The innuendo. If only the Sixpack were here...this was a classic moment.

• mentioned that he would not go out with BB because BB is a really towering, handsome guy, and he would look really bad next to BB. But the trainer really got into his element when he subsequently pointed to BB and said "Seeeee....soooo cute, got a little dimple there, so handsome!", all in a rather high-pitched girly voice. Naturally, he qualified by saying he was "not gay". I don't think any of us are convinced.

• claimed that he once yanked down the skirt of a lady in front of 300 people, and that she was wearing a hot thong. Then asked WM how she would feel if he yanked down her skirt. Was that a proposition? Think a certain motorcyle riding, umbrella wielding Ah Beng from Ipoh is gonna have to pay this particular trainer a visit soon...

Mr Ng, holding a stress ball, talking about squeezing balls. He actually accused YD, albeit jokingly, of stealing other people's balls and squeezing them.

He cuts a dashing figure don't he? 48, single, probably rich, probably not gay, probably drives a expensive continental car, immaculate yet quirky sense of fashion, Austin Powers style of talking and behaving - his dating resume practically writes itself.

Lunchtime!

Mouths full and eyes a-wandering...

RB texts away...must be missing his wife

Picture perfect trio.

And another...

Mr Ng reads out a love letter from one of his fans who attended his training sessions a massive total of 5 times.

Tea-break and BB can't get over the fact that he was just hit on by Mr Ng

RB and MS want to get hit on too, but too bad, no cute dimples on either of their faces (although I might be wrong)

Roars of laughter were the order of the day as Mr Ng delivered joke after joke.

All eyes focused on the front, but actually checking their watches every now and then, waiting for 5pm to come around...


More to come for Day 2...in the meantime don't any of you at work skive just because IL isn't around, eh! Especially, you, ML, stop watching Youtube lah you...and RC! Still surfing for household furniture and appliances arh? BH! Chatting like siao on your Mac right? Heheh...

Lo He(hehehe)i

Quotable quote

ML: That's a nice pot you have there. But I don't see anything growing.
CY: Oh that's because there are no seeds in it.
ML: I'd like to plant my seeds in your pot.

In all fairness, CY was holding a flowerpot, and ML was holding a packet of seeds. So there probably was no innuendo intended. Probably.

p.s. Where are Arsene's farewell pics???

Newsflash

Friday Faze Christmas Edition post is up.

The spirit of Christmas is alive and well. Christmas always bring with it merriment and joy. The ugly side of Christmas is seldom ever shown or talked about. But it exists. It would be remiss of us to think that everyone is happy during Christmas. To quote Phoebe Buffay from Friends, "Even though it's Christmas, people die!". The following incident may not be a case of life and death, but it is serious enough to warrant a mention.

In a shocking incident which sickened the hearts of people across the Orange building, MV was the poor victim of a vicious outrage of modesty. Here we see firsthand photos of the incredulous act...

She smiles and looks happy. He has an innocent face...but watch his hand

OMG! He has it in a very compromising position...

And he swoops in for the kill!!!

This was an absolutely disgusting act and we hope and pray that it does not set a precedent for the future. The culprit was incredibly let off scot-free, but if he tries it again...we will be there to catch him.

Perverts, beware!

Tie-isms

After sitting in several meetings with 'The Tie', one comes to the awareness that The Tie has a certain number of frequently used phrases. Here are a few.

'I am thinking' - Often located at the beginning of a sentence. The active listener soon learns that the rest of the sentence often contradicts this.

'Immediately' - Is often used synonymously (and somewhat erroneously) as 'off the top of my head'.

'Ding Dong' - Slang for what happens when manuscripts go to him. Often used as 'Ding Dong back and forth'. In other usage, Ding Dong may also mean 'a chocolate snack' or 'a penis'.

Reader's contributions are very welcome.

'If you ask me...' - Usually found at the beginning of a sentence, this often indicates 1) nobody asked and 2) no one asked you.

'This mean that...' - A grammatically incorrect sentence opener. One speculates that this was irreversibly imprinted during four years of engineer training.

Witness the terrifying toilet woman!

In the carpeted savanna of the MCIS wildlands, one predator above all others rules supreme. Other, lesser predators make their presence felt only intermittently, and sometimes days may pass without so much as a sighting of such lesser beasts.

This is not the nature of the terrifying toilet woman.

Behold! The toilet woman will stalk her prey for days on end, luring her prey into a false sense of security. The hapless prey, complacent and constipated, enters the communal dumping grounds of MCIS. And still, the toilet woman bides her time, stalking her prey while perched atop her metallic roost, knawing at the carcass of her previous kill. The prey, still oblivious to the danger, drops his guard (and his pants), bends over, and just as the promise of blissful relief beckons...

BIANG BIANG BIANG!!! OEI!!! WO YAO FANG SHUI AH!!!*

*Translated: BIANG BIANG BIANG!!! OEI!!! I AM GOING TO WET THE FLOOR!!!

The prey, startled, rears his head in alarm and rises onto his hind legs to assess the danger. At this moment, the aforementioned 'promise of blissful relief' is two seconds shy of materializing. These crucial two seconds will decide the fate of our hapless prey. If he is to live, then he must abandon years of socially conditioned instincts, ignore the hunting cries of the crazed toilet woman and resume squatting upon his throne. If not, the 'promise of blissful relief' will materialize and fall directly into...

PLOP.

In the immortal words of the eminent scholar, DJ Hairspray, ' Oh shit.'

And outside, the toilet woman's tirade carries on...

KUAI DIAN!!! WO YAO JIN LAI LIAO!!!*

*Translated: FASTER!!! I AM COMING!!!

And so turns the wheel of life. Indeed, life in the savanna wildlands of MCIS be fraught with many dangers and much unintended innuendo arising from poor translation.

Quotable quotes from RC's wedding dinner day

In the office:

BB - "Hehehe....continuing from where we left off yesterday, which was to decide on separate angpows after a gazillion emails.....shall we have another gazillion to discuss how and when to get there together......then decide to go separately??? keke."

GK - "It's raining outside."

DK - '' imagine humming to the tune of Jingle bells with Iv** in mind...Jingle (tie) jingle (tie) jingle all the way... oh what fun it is to mark on a half-f*** manuscript heh!''

BB - "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my (&#&!()#!(^#^!*(^(!^#(# pen smudged my shirt!!!! Have to go home and change now. Waliaoeh!!!!!!!!!!! Already super busy lor...........now have to leave early....................Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh (&^#*!)#^*)^#)!#)"

NT - "dude, what size do you wear? Dun need to go all the way lar, can pop by my place for a shirt."

GK - "oh yah can borrow mine. for sure can wear."

In the bus:

NT - "You should not ice skate because ice is cold... and hard."

NT - "And oh, blood bounces off ice."

BB - "Does anyone want to go to MacDonald's?"

MN - "This place sucks!!!!!! (for not carrying TS)"

BH - "Actually... I've not really seen TS in the shops you know..."

MN - "Well then you suck too!!!"

JL - "Whoa someone's getting personal!"

At the wedding venue:

BB - "MN, see that red box where everyone is putting the red packets? That's the lucky draw box."

MN - "Where are the pink boys?"

MN - "Elean's in white! Yippee! Ben you owe me money!"

EL - "But why would I wear red??"

BB - "Because you are...uhhh..."

ES - "We must remember to take the penguin picture."

Everyone else - "???"

emcee - "...Errr....is that how it goes??........So RC is supposed to drink from V cup and V is supposed to drink from RC's cup."

Invitees - "NO!!!! They drink from their own cups!!!"

emcee - "Hopefullly the next time all of us are gathered is when we are celebrating the first year of their first child. There will be lots of eggs and err... other stuff."

And the quote of all quotes... *drumroll*

RC - "Oh... shit!"

The final fantasy

Overheard at the pantry:

"I'm imagining you in a harem wearing Japanese pants."

No points for guessing who said it to whom.

Of Ah Ben(g) and Ah LiAN

The idle aftermath is over. People are getting back to their not-so-idle normal routines. Dick LEE seems to be swamped with work and has MORE or LSS forgotten about his affections for BH. Ah LiAN, however, is still going strong in her relentless pursuit of Ah Ben(g). The discovery of a black hair clip - one that was so not a paper clip - at Ah Ben(g)'s cubicle this morning confirmed speculations that she's making her presence felt in his cubicle.

In her efforts at unearthing skeletons from Ben(g)'s past, this correspondent found some very interesting information, in addition to a rather well-fed shrew.

"I need to work on (my) Engris!" It is no secret that Ah Ben(g) has been requesting for a redeployment to the Engris team since time immemorial. It was only revealed recently that Ah LiAN will be taking charge of the Engris team.

Ah! Things are finally falling into place.

Who's your 'idle'?

The highly anticipated finals of the 'Singapore Idle' contest held yesterday at RW had quite a few surprises in store for the audience.

Last week, at the semi-finals, even though NT had proved beyond doubt that he was indeed the most 'idle' of all the 'idles' by snoozing through two days of the contest, it was apparent at the finals yesterday that he faces some very stiff competition from dark horses BH and BB. Not because they have any idle talent, but mainly because two of the idle judges seemed to have picked their own favourites.

When "Dick LEE" could not stop asking the pretty-in-gold BH question after question, one could hear speculations "Either he really likes her or he really dislikes her." When questioned about his special attention to her, he simply commented, "Well, I asked her questions because she looked blur." BH could not be contacted to comment on this comment.

On the other hand, "Florence LiAN" seemed to have had her eyes set on the hapless BB. There was even a mention of certain love letters that LiAN claimed BB had written, which BB declined having any knowledge about. Again, when contacted by this correspondent, LiAN's comment was simply "Well, I always pick on the sleepy ones."

Well, the judges seem to have already given their verdict.

So between the blur one and the sleepy one, who's your Singapore 'idle'?

I Van(t) a Bride!